notes from an emotionally impaired

What Next?

2010-11-02T12:55:00.002+01:00

Sometimes I get so terribly depressed that
I want to set my apartment on fire
And when the paramedics
and the firefighters
and the police come
I let them decide
what to do
with me
next.

9/11/2009

2010-02-23T12:50:00.001+01:00

The day we had to return you
I put on my cemetery clothes
and steeled my cemetery face
While I felt my cemetery heart ache

We showered your copper home with rose petals
They fell like tears I didn't want to shed
So I bit the inside of my cheek
And looked at all the cemetery ants rushing by

I thought about how much you would have loved the weather
And how much I love you
and how we don't believe in heaven
and how there is nothing left but missing you

I envy all the cemetery ants
For they don't have a cemetery heart

church bells

2009-12-08T22:27:00.002+01:00

stop ringing all these church bells
they interfere with my atheism

Opportunity

2009-10-27T13:56:00.002+01:00

Wouldn't it be nice
if life was more about opportunity
and less about necessity...

Occasionally, at times, sometimes

2009-10-21T21:45:00.002+02:00

Occasionally I think about killing myself
by driving my car off a bridge
or into a brick-building
I imagine how the steering-wheel smashes
my expensive pearly-white-hollywood-teeth in
or crushes my rib-cage
I think about that approximately 10 minutes a week
while I am stopping at a traffic light or making dinner

At times I think about getting myself fired from my job
by letting them know how incapable I really am
or by selling company secrets on the internet
I imagine how the door to my office opens
and they tell me to clear my desk
and return my cafeteria-card
I think about that approximately 5 minutes a day
while I am reading the paper or talking on the phone

Sometimes I wonder what it is that is wrong with me:
Thinking these things makes me strangely happy and content

Rainbow

2009-10-21T13:01:00.001+02:00

I wrecked my car on a rainbow.
I think it was in Tokyo...

Online

2009-10-02T22:28:00.002+02:00

I wish I could go online
to download dreams
Along with advice
on how to pursue them
Because right now
all I can think about
is that I will probably die
sad and lonely
Without ever making any sense

Battles and Hearts

2009-10-01T14:31:00.001+02:00

I am my battle
yet to be fought
Your heart is a fire
waiting to be caught

Swerving

2009-09-17T21:33:00.001+02:00

See the potholes in this road
they're like the potholes in my soul.
Swerving left
Swerving right
only to avoid the pain.
For too long
I've been waiting
for the world to change.

Loved Ones, after me

2009-09-08T23:29:00.002+02:00

Loved ones:
I guess that I should die before you
Cause I'll need someone there to mourn
Would be a pretty ugly picture -
just a damn priest and a shovel.

bad scheduling

2009-09-03T21:39:00.005+02:00

schedule for next week:
09/08 last day at work before being laid off
09/09 sit around job-agency
09/10 see orthopaedist about busted knee
09/11 bury grandpa
XXXXXXGET PUNCH 'N' PARTY-HATS

Champagne-rhythm

2009-09-01T21:44:00.002+02:00

When I look at you
my eyes
steal your beauty
and abduct your smile
But now
that you saved me
I replace it with mine
Cause I don't know
but baby
you're the champagne-rhythm
in my life

Anything

2009-08-31T20:27:00.001+02:00

... I wish I had anything but silence to tell you....

Idiots

2009-08-27T20:51:00.002+02:00

50% of the people are complete and first-class idiots
give them TV to watch and enough meat to fry
and they will keep quiet

The clock

2009-08-26T20:26:00.002+02:00

The same clock
that kept ticking my grandpa's life away
Got me closer to my favorite TV show.
But I can't find no comfort in that.
Anticipated pain
is still nothing but pain.

Letters

2009-08-26T20:22:00.003+02:00

At work I was supposed to answer three letters today.
But I don't really know what to answer and write these people.
Their problems don't concern me.
So I start writing long meandering sentences
with lots of difficult and hard-to-pronounce words
of Latin or Greek origin.
And I hope these people don't understand
but think that what I wrote and they read is correct
Because it all sounds so smart
And the envelope looks official
and suggests that I know what I'm doing.
And my employer also thinks I know.
I showed him all my diplomas
and my good grades
and the letters of recommendation.
And I acted all eager
and energetic
and ambitious in the job interview.
And I smiled a lot.
And now I feel like I am letting everyone down
Because I absolutely don't care.
And I hardly ever smile.

That smile you wore yesterday

2009-08-24T20:17:00.001+02:00

And that smile you wore yesterday:
can I have that as a coat?
I wanna wear it as a coat
through those cold and lonely
winter-nights
of June
without you.

The Two of Us

2009-08-23T23:22:00.001+02:00

The two of us
may both be tears
running at the same speed.
But we’re burning
on two opposite cheeks.

today

2009-08-19T22:13:00.002+02:00

today i got off the train
to rush home from work
and i put on some music
to drown out people's sad footsteps
and i took a long shower
to wash off their tired stares
and i ate some smoked tofu
to get rid of that taste on my tongue
that i might be just like them

Lilo and White Pills

2009-08-18T19:48:00.002+02:00

Whenever my tears break way,
There’s comfort in her starving heart.
But I jeopardize happiness
weighing my insides on the flip-chart:
Seven pros and 40 cons,
Never-ending head-down.
But my dark will lift again,
When you medicate me sane.

for years

2009-08-17T19:36:00.000+02:00

i've been wanting to kill myself for years
but i never got the suicide note right

question

2009-08-17T17:22:00.001+02:00

If a tree falls in the woods
and no one tweets about it...?